This final week has been extremely troublesome. With out revealing an excessive amount of, Hope and I had a considerable blowout, and her response to it set off a sequence of occasions that simply have created what appears like a drama cycle that can by no means finish.
Mainly life is a shit present.
I’ve so many feelings. I ended up having 2 remedy classes simply so I might course of my very own shit after final weekend. Yesterday I spotted that plenty of what I’ve been feeling may be finest described as grief.
Grief is hella messy and may be an amalgamation of so many different emotions.
I’m unhappy. I’m livid. I’ve remorse. I’ve love. I care. I really feel fragile. I’m confused. I’m only a mess.
And regardless of her protests, so is Hope.
Though I’ve simply tried to placed on a courageous face this week, the reality is I actually am a large number.
One of many solely issues I can do is to let go, and my pure intuition is to coddle her, draw her shut, hug her, take care of her, and clean the trail for her; I’ve come to the chapter in parenting when I’ve to cease a few of that. I’ve to let go of the wheel and let her drive.
In the mean time it seems that she may purposely drive it right into a ditch simply to show that she will be able to, however she has to drive herself.
It’s exhausting. It hurts.
I’m right here to catch her if she falls, however having to really permit her to fall is so exhausting. A lot of this life has been serving to her progress in direction of maturity and making it as clean a course of as potential. I really feel like I failed.
I do know I didn’t, however it actually appears like I did.
these new NASA footage, I would like that for Hope.
Hope, I feel, is simply glad that she didn’t age out of foster care. It’s nearly like it is a delayed response to coming of age. Additionally, it’s like she by no means allowed herself to dream or take into consideration what she may need to do on this life.
Trauma is a bitch. Trauma did this.
I don’t know what the longer term holds for Hope and me. Issues are severe sufficient that I’m contemplating ending our on-line story as a result of it’s simply too exhausting to write down about. I’ve about 5 totally different variations of this put up and none of them, not even this one, adequately captures my emotions and experiences of the final week.
I’m headed off to go see a buddy for a bit as a result of I have to get out of the home. Ship Hope a number of good power and constructive vibes. We’d like them, however she wants them extra.