Tuesday, September 26, 2023
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So Many Footwear | AdoptiveBlackMom

Issues are mimicking one thing akin to regular. The time I had away final week was good for me and Hope.

Hope tried to push some boundaries, and I made a decision to simply give no response. One boundary actually, actually pissed me off, however I simply saved these feelings to myself.

It’s been a quiet week.

However I’m nonetheless so extremely anxious. My associate obtained to see the total scope of my nervousness within the final week. It’s good he’s a relaxing presence as a result of I can solely think about he was a bit like, whoa!

For her half, Hope was simply…one thing like regular?


No actually.

I obtained dwelling to a completely totally different individual.

So, yeah. It’s tremendous. We’re tremendous. It’s tremendous.

Narrator: It isn’t tremendous, tho.

I’m type of having a mini-meltdown day by day as a result of I’m so traumatized by the previous few months that I’m unable to deal with this sudden change.

It’s like, in case you have been to see life in a mirror. It’s all the identical, proper? Fallacious, the whole lot is there and completely backwards.

That’s what I really feel like I’m experiencing proper now.

I swear I felt like there was a chance that she would possibly disappear whereas I used to be gone, and I’d by no means see or hear from her once more. It was that fraught in our dwelling.

I’m making an attempt to benefit from the calm, however the vitality is method off.

I’m making an attempt to benefit from the calm, however I’m ready for an additional shoe to drop on what looks like conjoined octopi. #somanyfeet #somanyshoes #somanydropping

My nerves are dangerous y’all. My muscular tissues really feel like rubber bands. My shoulders might double as earlobes. And people neck muscular tissues that run behind the ear down the neck? They simply ache.

However I’m engaged on retaining all of it collectively. My intestine tells me I can’t afford to have my very own emotional meltdown for the time being.

Past my very own reactions to this chapter, I fear incessantly about Hope I do not know how she’s experiencing all this, the way it feels for her. It’s disorienting to me, so I think about it should be actually onerous for her to navigate all her emotions and behaviors.

I’m hopeful that this era of peace is lengthy and settles into an genuine peace.

Hopeful. It’s additionally feels naively ridiculous as a result of I *know* there’s a shoe dropping someplace in a forest proper now. I won’t hear it or see it, however I do know that ripple will hit our doorstep in some unspecified time in the future.

I actually hope issues get higher, that she has the chance to make totally different decisions, and to study to present herself some love and assist. I hope she chooses to seek out assist in well being methods, with wholesome individuals.

I’m simply so fearful.

In different information, the one regular freddy in the home is Yappy. He was fairly freaked out by a number of vital episodes over these previous couple of weeks, however he’s essentially the most resilient of all of us. He simply serves up unconditional love on a regular basis. He’s extra bonded with me, however he at all times makes time to see about Hope, napping in her room and getting tremendous excided when she comes dwelling or out of the toilet (yeah, the toilet. He’s obtained horrible separation nervousness.) He’s been a typical focus the entire time, so Hope and I do have that.

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